Losing to Win

On last week's Love and Hip Hop New York, Joe Budden was shown making a deposit in the relationship account he has with Tahiry because their relationship therapist recommended it. Big ups to them for getting a therapist and normalizing something that still isn't common practice in the black community [even though that ties and speaks to a shortage of black therapists who would probably be more empathetic...]. What really sparked my interest in all of it, even more than Joe Budden's insecurity about his woman having a life and the idea of custom fitted jeans for Tahiry's not so small posterior, was the relationship account idea. Mona Scott Young I see you and I appreciate you telemundo levels of drama aside, I see you!

We have all had those relationships whether actual relationships or friends and family where we gave a lot out of love and sometimes just obligation. Gave of our time and otherwise because that is what love and good friendship is. There is a saying that not all fingers are the same in length (gosh that sounds so much better/deeper in Ndebele) meaning that everyone has different strengths and capabilities, but they all work together for good or at least the same purpose [if that happens to be evil...]. So things aren't always 50/50 and it certainly isn't about going tit for tat, but giving so much of oneself, especially because that is how we would like to be treated, and not getting someone's best or good in return is exhausting. It's like you making all the deposits and people consistently withdrawing indiscriminately and never stopping to think what about the person who is putting into this or what can I do to contribute to this and if I can't maybe I should chill out. Having just turned another year wiser (clap for me) at the end of a year that was a roller coaster of changes, I've realized how important it is to me to not only build people up and enjoy whatever capacities of said relationship, but to get it in return not equally, but to their best ability.

At work, with family and with friends - in our twenties these are the three domains we go in and out of and balancing them yet finding ourselves and who we are meant to be is trying. I've decided and perhaps you should/could too, that I want to spent and waste time only with people who add something to my life - a laugh, kind word, juicy conversation, good times and a value and return for my investment of the same in them. If interactions and time spent with me aren't a splash of sunlight or a good experience I am open to getting cut too because I am not and do not want to be everyone's cup of tea. It really is the only sensible thing to do. It is hard, but it has been done before and like any dead weight, letting it go is so exhilarating and liberating it's a loss that has a high return.

Like Fantasia said in her incredibly beautiful and underrated song, sometimes you've got to lose to win again (she's talking about a dude, but apply it to whatever fits your situation) :

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*@afropolitaine*